V-I-C-T-O-R-Y (finally) !!!

It is fitting that my first real post in a very long time is once more about getting rid of the regain, the former subtitle of this blog which I began on September 27, 2005. At that time, I weighed 185 lbs. Four years and two months later, on November 25, 2009, I weighed considerably more. At that point, I got honest with myself.

I like to eat whatever I want to eat whenever I want to it it more than I want to fit into my snazzy size tens. My sporadic bursts of self discipline and railings against self indulgence were enfeebled by this truth. Admitting it has set me free. And, not unexpectedly, truth has had a paradoxical effect.

I made an agreement with myself on May 25th and, for the first time in a very long time, I've been able to keep it. I decided that I could eat whatever I wanted to eat whenever I wanted to eat with two caveats: (1) I would no longer eat ice cream. Within a few days, I expanded this to include sweet bakery goods, puddings, and the like. (2) I would avoid, but not entirely fore go, bread in its various forms. Beyond that, I would make good decisions about what I'd eat based on the circumstances.

From my low of 125.5 pounds in 2003 to my high of (ouch) 212.5 or 213.5 in May 2009, most of my 87 or 88 pound gain (ouch) was due to binging. In the beginning, after I'd eaten two or three apples, the raging impulse to continue the binge would come upon me. Usually the next step was cold cereal. After that, it didn't matter.

What I have changed by my new permissiveness is the context for a binge. I've blown it away. I can eat at one sitting as many apples as I can possibly handle without feeling the slightest bit of self reproach. Another bit of truth is that the two or three apples that began my early binges were not the cause of my almost 90 pound regain.

I had a little test of the power of this new approach. Last Saturday night, I got fall asleep drunk at the Fire Arts Festival, a fund raiser for The Crucible. I had paid to attend the soiree which included a gourmet dinner and an open bar among other perks. I ate without guilt all that was presented to me including the dessert. I partook of the champagne, wine, and absinthe, especially the absinthe, without restraint. A bit of a warning about absinthe: It is 45-75% alcohol; It is a mistake to drink it like wine. (With my car safely parked in the VIP parking lot, a cab safely returned me to my hotel.)

The next morning, headache free, I ate the two hard-boiled eggs and drank the V8 that I had brought with me. Craving salad and salty protein, I stopped at a Noah's Bagels on the way home and got a bagel with cream cheese, lox, onion, lettuce, and tomato. Later, at home, I continued to eat salty foods that were high in protein. My consumption of calories way exceeded my utilization of them for the day. Even so, I felt that the decisions that I made about what to eat were appropriate for the circumstances. What was critical was how I'd behave the next day.

And, on Monday (clash of cymbals, drum roll please) I smoothly returned to the eating patterns that I had established in the preceding eight weeks. Except that I didn't have the sense of returning to, but rather continuing, good decision making. And so it has continued and is likely to continue. At 201 lbs, I've gotten rid of 11.5 or 12.5 pounds since May 25th. At some point, I may not be able to continue to eat whatever I want to eat whenever I want to eat it and still get rid of the lbs, but that will be another discussion. At some point (soon), I will add regular exercise to the mix. That may or may not be another discussion. For now, I am feeling more centered and solid than I have in a very long time.